Donald Trump killed my boyfriend.
Normally when I tell people this they awkwardly laugh and walk away. So here is my chance to explain..
Adrian was an addict when I met him almost 2 years sober and living as a woman at the time. He was the poster child for being young and in recovery. He was the happy warrior, always willing to share his struggle and tell his story in an effort to help people.
The day Adrian came out as transgender to me was one of the hardest days of our relationship for him. I know this cause after we talked he showed me the kitchen knife he had been hiding under his pillow. When I asked him why he would ever need that knife he said ‘You could have killed me and gotten off because of trans panic.’ I didn’t understand the gravity of what he was saying till much later.
After the election of Donald Trump Adrian wasn’t the same. My happy warrior became dark and distant. His dysphoria was worse than ever and he stopped doing the maintenance needed for his sobriety. As much as I tried to tell him it wasn’t true he would always say things like ‘50 percent of the country wants me dead.’ I still didn’t understand the gravity of what he was saying.
And then the weight became too much for him. When people don’t want you to exist, your survival by default becomes a form of protest. Adrian had been protesting and fighting his whole life and he just couldn’t fight any longer. When Adrian lost his fight he wasn’t the only one that lost. 2 Parents lost a son, a community lost a shining star, and a partner who had never met a trans person till the person he loved came out lost a boyfriend.
With the news about the Trump Administration trying to take away trans existence I’ve been thinking about Adrian today. That fear and panic that we are experiencing now is what the trans community goes through everyday. The life expectancy of a trans woman of color is 31 years old. This is unacceptable!
I’ve never lived the life of a trans person and I won’t pretend to have the answers.
But I know we can and must do better to support our trans friends and family.
I wish I had done better.